i'm starting to be terrified of weekends. the weekends that i expect so much of. the weekends where i'm supposed to regain some sanity and normalcy and semblance of life. and then it fails me.

i need to be with people who will talk to me, laugh with me; people as a safety net. in case i fall into the jaws of helplessness. the comfort and danger of the sounds in my head. and i realize the truth, that there're no such people around. you're more alone than you think you are

everytime i'm at the library i'm tempted to go up to the counter and tell them i want to volunteer as a librarian. dewey decimal system and all that. and i don't know what makes me want to- probably the way it gets me whenever i see Isaac Asimov books under I, or Saul Bellow under S, or TotalFilm magazines under F. Or maybe, i just like the library. it's a place that people go to without any obligation or real necessity; rather, just a simple want. and it's there where people - old or young, alone or with friends, school sweater or faded jeans, laptop or sketchpad - can just shut out the world and be. even the people who are there just to fall asleep on the couches with a book-in-hand-disguise have this weird right to be there. it's the whole idea of pullovers and too-cold-air-conditioning and books and interrupted silence and duskfall through the glass walls. but then i remember i owe the library quite some money and i think twice

it's the same way i think the best thing that happens to the nearby entertainment centre (or a mall that exhibits it's lack of entertainment) is the second hand book stall that lays out its tables, spreads out its books, and brings cheap reading to the masses. it's almost the right thing to do. especially when you manage to get good books that are not mystery novels or science fiction at 3 -for-10bucks. and all sorts of people are suddenly gathered, browsing; school-kids, bored dads, people looking for chinese stuff, mums buying children books, women buying 4 chick-lit books at a go, geeks buying how-to books, and people reading recipe books that are at least 10 years old. i think it's fascinating, yet mundane at the same time

i think i can always tell when i'm feeling weird from my bath proceedings; yesterday i forgot to bring my towel in, absently-mindedly pressed for shampoo twice, and body soap thrice. thrice! that's a new record in the field of Bathroom Psycho-analysis.

i hate reading books with the movie-version covers. For eg. about a boy. i'm reading NickHornby's About a Boy because its by hornby and cos i probably might like it and cos it may be good Hence the movie based on it. i'm not reading about a boy (starring hugh grant) , movie tie-in. exactly. i do not read movie tie-ins! it's not like i'm reading x-3, or stealth (the movie-tie-in books). this gives me a huge dilemma when it comes to atonement. i want to read it before i watch it but i can't be seen reading a keiraknightlymoviecover version of the book. (and i want to watch it not cos there's keira in it.) and i want to read it not because i'm jumping on the Best Picture Nominee bandwagon but because it's a good book by IanMcEwan. help. life is full of unsolvable issues.

in any case:

Person: what's about a boy about?..
me: ..a boy.

bad joke repeated many times to many Persons. although they usually miss the point and think it's a homosexual paedophilic novel, not "unlike" the previous book i was reading. which i described as a lesbian book so i guess, really, i asked for it. But really, i dont think there's a need to defend the dignity of say, Winterson, to them.

muahaha. hows that for an uncaring face. take that! i will rule the world! which reminds me i should get down to watching FightClub

ok looking back this is such an evil rant that i wrote on a whim. although i just told a friend today that whims are never really that forgivable because they probably spring from the tempted subconscious, hence there is intent anyway. maybe i should delete this post.

Nah